"Wow.  I'd get nothing done," she interrupted herself to say.  I looked at the nurse quizzically, as she had been in the middle of giving me medical advice, only to stop mid sentence, staring at the baby on my lap.  

"You're just... I mean... really cute."  (This to Lincoln, not me).

Pause.  Then, addressing me again, "I would be staring at him all day.  I have two boys, but, this one... Nope.  Nothing would get done."  

I managed an appreciative half smile in return.  Yes, I know and agree that Lincoln is adorable.  This kid has some dreamy eyes, let me tell you!  And I love receiving compliments like the one I received at the doctor's office today.  The thing is, she hit a little too close to home.  I don't get anything done.  And sometimes, it becomes disheartening.  Today is just one of those days.  

In order for things to go smoothly, a mother (and a wife) has to be relatively selfless.  It's amazing what the job requires.  On a good night, Lincoln wakes up to feed every two hours.  Considering the time it takes to feed him, get him settled back in his crib, crawl into bed myself, and try to fall asleep again, those two hours turn into little more than back to back feeding with catnaps in between.  

But as of late, the little guy has decided he just can't sleep unless he's in my arms.  I have to admit, this is endearing.  Especially during the day, as I talk to him softly, watching his little eyelids slowly close and his chubby fingers clutching mine.  Even in the dead of night, when I'm exhausted at 3 am without having slept a wink... I can't help but smile at the warm, soft and cuddly body curled in my arms.  But sometimes, I get a little irked.  I have stomped my foot as I throw myself out of bed to go assuage Lincoln's screams, having put the kid to sleep only 10 minutes ago.  And it's not as if Tyler can help.  Even if I make a bottle, it's more work for him to heat it up, more time for Lincoln to spend awake and screaming, more time to just... be a hassle.  So I end up sleeping sitting upright in the recliner in the nursery, because it's the only solution that keeps everyone else happy and quietly asleep.  

We had Lincoln on a feeding schedule of every 3 hours during the day.  It worked wonderfully for a couple weeks.  The tension between Tyler and me was finally relieved in the evenings, because there was a scheduled and predictable moment when he could hand Lincoln over, rather than me hovering over them every time the baby cried, saying, "Maybe he needs to eat!"

But I think the little guy hasn't been feeling well.  His diapers are more runny, so I have forgone the convenience of scheduled feedings, in case they didn't give him adequate fluid.  Now we're back to feeding on demand, which means that I never know how long I can be out and about safely without needing to find an inconspicuous, comfortable nook for us to take care of business.  

Whatever is up with him has also made him cranky.  Lincoln is relatively easy going, if you give him a variety of experiences each day.  He needs to be held only so much, laid down to bat at his toys only so much, have a rattle dangled in his face only so much, ride in the car seat only so much, read books only so much, and sit in his bouncy chair only so much.  Meanwhile, the kitchen trash piles up because I can't carry both him and it out to the dumpster.  Laundry gets washed but not folded.  I wear the same outfit everyday because a) I can't fit into anything else, and b) I have to be dressed to flash every couple hours!  

If there is anything on the day's schedule outside of the normal song and dance, it takes up most of my energy and time.  Like the doctor's visit today.  Where I was left in a room, half naked, amusing my baby with the rattle we thankfully had in the diaper bag, for a full hour.  At which point, I stuck my head out the door and uttered a weak, "Um, excuse me?"  It turns out they forgot about us.  Awesome.  I was already near tears to begin with.  Today, it got to the point where I just wanted to whip the car up to a McDonald's drive thru, and ask for a gazillion cookies.   And that's when I know I've been driven to the edge.  But heaven knows I can't afford to be pushed over it again.  So I texted a friend whom I knew I could count on in these situations.  

Now we're home.  And Lincoln, with his uncanny ability to sense my frustration, even when I try my best to disguise it, has been fussing for an hour.  So how am I typing this up, you ask?  Cloned myself.  The real me is sitting here in a massage chair with earplugs and a martini. 

I would like to say that I'm looking forward to 6:15 when my husband walks through the door.  But honestly, I get a little nervous as that time of day draws near.  The poor man is so stressed with a job he doesn't like, and a gmat he blatantly hates (looming over our heads, only til Saturday, thank goodness) that his temperament is frighteningly unpredictable.  I don't know if he'll freak out over me asking him to do something that takes away from his time with Lincoln, or over my not doing something to help when his time with Lincoln becomes too stressful.  My husband's only-so-much meter is more difficult to read than his son's.  But you would think that at his age, he'd be managing that himself!  I love my husband, but sometimes...  (Here, Tyler, is where I'd give my best Brad Pitt impression...)  Ha ha. 

And, cut.  End Scene of Emily's Woes.  I'm feeling better already.  Sometimes you just have to vent.  After all, how can life be so bad, when I get to do this anytime I want? 

Express yourself!

 The more my baby becomes his own little person, the more excited I am to see what he'll do next.  Lincoln is quite the character!  Here are some of his expressions we've managed to capture:

Just like his mommy, Lincoln unfortunately chokes on his own spit every now and then.  But last week, he figured out something more creative to do with it!  Now he's our little spit bubbler.  :-)

Lucky lady turns 23

 I turned 23 on the 23rd of March.  Tyler took Monday off, so we celebrated my birthday over a 3 day weekend!  It was incredible.  On Saturday, Tyler let me sleep in.  When I woke up, he excitedly handed over my first present.  I knew why as soon as I saw what it was.  Waffle maker!  So of course Tyler made us a delicious breakfast.  

Later, my mom came over to play with Lincoln while Tyler and I got out of the house for a little bit and went to see Duplicity.  We haven't been to the movies for 3 months, since Lincoln was born.  It was strange walking around without a car seat and diaper bag!  I felt free and young, just holding my husband's hand while we were out on a date.  It's wonderful that I can totally trust my mom with Lincoln; there could never be a more perfect babysitter!  

On Sunday, we visited my family.  My mom made a delicious cake that our landlord in Germany used to bake for us.  

Everyone joined in the traditional birthday song and dance, while I sat in a chair in the middle.  I think being whooshed around in a circle to the tune of singing and clapping surprised Lincoln; his eyes were huge!

My brother Evan and my parents gave me the sweetest presents.  Evan is all about presentation.  Look at all the work he did!  Isn't this hilarious?  

And wow, my parents really put some time and thought into my gift.  There was this gorgeous basket, filled with fun summer cups and reusable ice cubes in cool shapes and colors, cute candles, precious little cards with sayings (that I am now going to frame!), and LOTS of gift cards to my favorite places.  (And I mean LOTS!)  

This is probably the coolest thing they could give to a stay at home mom.  No matter how often Tyler reminds me that it's OUR money now, it still feels somewhat wrong for me to use the money he earns for frivolous things.  And yet, just sitting in the house can make a girl crazy.  So now, I have an excuse to take Lincoln out and about, guilt free!  How cool is that?  My family is so awesome.  

On Monday, Tyler treated me to a pedicure and manicure.  We brought Linc along, and the little boy was so well behaved.  He and daddy played on the couch in the seating area of the salon, while I was pampered.  Then our baby fell asleep right as we were going next door to eat my birthday dinner!  So we were able to devour tons of meat at Toscana in peace.  Every parent knows, it's a miracle to have such good timing.  The rest of the day was spent relaxing at home with jelly bellies and a movie.  

 I wasn't even bummed about the bad weather.  It gave me an excuse to use another one of my gifts from Tyler; a clear bubble umbrella.  I've always wanted one, but I didn't know they really existed!  But now I'll be sure to have an errand to do every time it rains.  

That's my birthday story.  Absolutely amazing.  I could not have asked for anything more!

Friends

Liz adores my baby boy.  And he has become quite fond of her as well.  As for me, I'm just incredibly jealous of how photogenic they both are.  

Lincoln has also discovered his monkey.  We've been waiting for him to become aware of this cute little guy.  Tyler still has his stuffed monkey from when he was a baby, so before Linc was even born, we saw this furry fellow at Target and we just had to have him.  They were destined to be buddies from the beginning. 

 

Changes

Everyone says, "They grow so fast!"  And I knew he would.  How could he not?  With all that gurgling and slurping at the boob every 3 hours of the day, and every 2 at night.  Still, I just can't get over it.  We have a huge bag of clothing that Lincoln will never wear again.  I look at my favorite outfits and think, He'll never be this small again!  

And as much as this tiny 5-day-old creature terrified me...

I'm almost sad to see that he has completely changed.

But would you look at that little chub?  I've never seen anything more adorable.  I love eating his cheeks and making squelching noises with my mouth into the folds of his neck.  I rub his precious feet, thinking that someday those little toes will straighten out and he'll walk!  Something about parenthood makes you want to pause, rewind and fast forward all at the same time.

Here's Lincoln on our first family outing.  I desperately wanted to get out of the house, but part of me felt guilty for exposing my newborn child to the elements.  We bundled him in 15 layers, because those 2 seconds between the house and the car, and the car and the heated grocery store, might just be the end of him! 

The paranoia is still alive and well.  That much will never change, I'm sure.  He's 3 months old, and I'm just now learning to handle the sight of his bare skin in contact with *gasp* the air!

But the older he gets, the more capable I become at other stuff.  We moved into our apartment when I was pregnant, and holy crap did I do some weird things.  Somehow carrying a fetus in my womb prevented me from utilizing any of my organization skills.  I put the dishes, utensils, food, etc. in random kitchen cupboards with absolutely no method to my madness.  Our sharp and dangerous tools went on the closet floor of the room designated for the nursery.  Important papers gradually scattered themselves over Tyler's desk and onto the carpet of our office/ guest bedroom.  And it took me months before I could even put something on the walls.  Slowly but surely that part of my brain which was temporarily closed for business has awakened and I am proud to say that the apartment is finally coming together.  About 2 months before our lease is up.  Better late than never?  

Observe, the office, before and after:   

Notice the literal depiction of "night and day."  We actually bought a filing cabinet to contain the clutter.  Then we sold the guest bed which was blocking the closet and making it difficult to maneuver the desk chair.  

Another change in the Metcalf household:

Tyler's beard.  I'm still confused as to why I think it's so wonderful, because I have never liked facial hair.  I guess we all turn into our mothers eventually.  That's my life... always changing.

I offered him Dr. Seuss, but you know those REI ads...

Thoughts of the day

I'm pretty sure that gas station attendant was high.

I must have a fairy blogmother, because as soon as I complained about lack of sleep, I got some.  It was delicious.

I hate the gmat.  Hate. Hate. Hate.  Go away and mess up someone else's family!

Awwwww, geez.  I was having a good day til I saw Barbie walking down the street.  Could that waist be any tinier?

Yes I'm a fan of Chandler Bing.

Has my husband noticed that I haven't washed my hair in three days?

Will a mammogram hurt extra if my boob's full of milk?

Lets hear it for people who give their friends their cute clothes.  Thanks Taren!

Kettlebells make for one heck of a workout.  My butt is officially kicked.  Thanks mom!

What are those words that classify reasoning as starting from the specific to the general or from the general to the specific?  If I could just remember them at the right moments, I might sound really smart.  

You just don't know awesome until you've heard your baby's first laugh.

Hmmm, I guess I didn't want a whole 32 oz. of Fresca.  

At what point are Lincoln's poop noises going to stop amusing me?

Why can't we be friends with our exes?  (Please don't answer that.)

Will my body always have this weird "spare tire" look?  

I think it's a good sign that Lincoln will only tolerate my singing when it's gospel.  

How much will it set me back in my weight loss efforts if I have Olive Garden's alfredo tonight?

I fear this stay at home mother stuff is turning me into a more obsessive mind narrator than Dr. John Dorian.  (Head tilts to the side, eyes look up into no where in particular.)  Wouldn't you like to know what I'm imagining this time?

Did anyone take pictures of me at Bear Lake last summer?  Will I get to see those pictures?  I'm interested to know what I looked like 4 months pregnant in a bathing suit.  

"Is this real life?"

 

I'm a zombie mom.

I wear this sweatshirt all the time.  It's comfy and it's easy to wear over my nursing shirts.

Tyler teaches Linc where the socks go...

My baby boy wearing jeans!

I love the little goober pea!

Right now I'm watching A Beautiful Mind.  It's one of those really great movies worth watching, but it's always sadder than I remembered.  Today I happen to be sad already, so I thought what the heck.  Plus, I have a good trick that I use for movies that are too sad or frightening for me to handle.  I see them critically, as perhaps a director would.  I watch it as a piece of art rather than following the story too closely.  The people on the screen are actors not characters (which we usually allow ourselves to forget for a time).  And so I think to myself, wow, he's doing a really great job at portraying a genius gone crazy  rather than, wow, look at what his wife has to go through!  (Of course my trick works best with movies not based on true stories!)

Today I am tired.  So very tired.  I have been for a while.  It's only partly due to breastfeeding Lincoln 2 to 3 times a night.  If that were all, I think we'd be ok.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to sleep in between those feedings either.  

It makes the daytime strange.  My head feels light and empty... yet heavy at the same time.  Sometimes I get the feeling I shouldn't be driving.  And when that happens I get home as soon as possible.  

And other times I feel like the boy on youtube, after the dentist.  "Is this real life?  What's happening to me?"  And yes, I scream randomly.  

Brain not included

You

always look

cold here.  Even

though you're really

sweaty here.  And

your rib cage

disappears

between the swelling part here.

The part that grows so slow at first

it makes people question and measure.

They find pleasure in patting here as you 

start fatting here.  No shirt is long enough to

fit over and still sit tastefully below here.  Then

one day you realize your feet have disappeared.

Food doesn't sit where it's supposed to anymore

and you can't sleep without heartburn anymore.

It might be cute if this was the only bump, but

it turns out you're one big lump.  Largeness

continues down through your rump.

Less and less desirable to hump.

Thighs start to rub

together, because

it's been forever

since you ran.

Oh, why?

Oh, why?

Oh, why?

Oh,why?

Oh, why?

Why, God, didn't 

you make me a man?

(If any woman ever tells you she's enjoying her pregnancy, please consider the fact that she's lying through her teeth.  Or she's mentally unstable.  Both are reasonable possibilities, given her condition.  I am happy to say I've been officially preggo-free for nearly 3 months now.  My husband is thrilled to have me back.)

Meanwhile, what's Linc been up to?

Hanging out in my diaper...

Drinking mommy's milk through a bottle...

Gripping my toys...

Catching zzzz's with Daddy...

And  chilling with Mommy.  Sideways.  

So... yep.  That's pretty much it.  What you been up to?

Here's to you!

I love this man.

We started our lives together amidst a whirlwind of drama, and there certainly wasn't enough time to truly get to know the other person.  All things considered, the odds are not in our favor. 

The amazing thing is, Tyler and I turned out to be better for each other than I could have ever imagined.  Yes, there were some startling discoveries.  And we're in for more as time progresses, I'm sure.  I think no one on earth has caused me more pain than my husband.  And yet, no one has given me more joy.  That's one way you know you've found the right person for you; it's like a relationship with your best friend, but the emotions and the stakes are intensified.  

There have been many nights where I lie awake, bursting with so much love for my husband that all I can do is bask in my happiness, pray and smile, while listening to Tyler's gentle breathing.  Even through our mistakes, God must have been holding us both close to Him, because there's no way I could have found this kind of man in a random manner.  I can see how many women would not be right for him.  Even in our first year of marriage, I have discovered some things about myself that seem perfectly suited for him.  And he has a special brand of tolerance that makes him perfect for me!

Here are some of the things that make Tyler simply awesome:

~  It doesn't bother him that I am extremely needy.  Most of the time that we're home together, I have to be in the same room as him, and he is ok with that.  I adore his mock irritation, when I get forcibly cuddly, and he says, "You're all up ons!"  He says it through a smile and hugs me right back.  

~  He was certain diaper duty would be all mine, until Lincoln actually showed up.  One of my clearest memories about the hospital stay, drugged up though I was, is Tyler getting poop on his hand and smiling as big as you can imagine.  "It's okay, because you're my son.  You came from me," he whispered to the baby.  Tyler loves being a father; you can just see it in his eyes when he looks at our boy.  

~  I can amuse him without even trying.  Something about my quirks hits Tyler's funny bone in just the right way.  I make him laugh quite often, and that in turn makes me laugh.  

~  We were raised in different religious settings, but instead of letting that put a wedge between us, Tyler and I were equally determined to find a church that worked for both of us.  It took a long time, and quite a few tries, but finally we found one.  This is probably the coolest thing about Tyler, and I give thanks to God all the time for it.  Above all else, this is what gives me faith and hope that our marriage will be secure, even in the worst of times.

~  Both of us bring our own area of maturity to the table.  He is money smart, and manages our resources like a pro.  I can rest assured that he takes care of things like bills and investments with the kind of responsibility that makes an ideal head of the family.  And I offer a level head when it comes to stressful situations.  A lot of damage can be done simply out of irritation or anger, and I try to steer us both away from explosions.  We each recognize each other's strengths and learn from them.  Our tax return is pretty hefty this year.  And you know what we're doing with the money?  It's going into my IRA.  Tyler wants a flat screen TV just as much as the next guy, but he never even suggested such a purchase.  This is the kind of man that cares about his wife's future more than his toys.  

~ For better or for worse, our parents are still married.  Both sets.  I am proud and amazed by this fact.  What's really cool about my in laws is that they genuinely like my parents, and vice versa.  We have so much fun when we all get together.  How unique is that?  I'm so lucky!

These are just a few reasons why my marriage to Tyler is such a blessing.  

On an academic note...

Last night Lincoln and I went to visit my best friend, Liz. (She gave him the adorable outfit above!) We were talking about her idea for a thesis, which she will be writing in the fall. I won't describe it in detail, lest I fail to do her justice, but she is exploring concepts of body and language. She said something about how we create ourselves through text flowing in and out. I was really excited to hear this, because it is reminiscent of social constructionism, the area of academic study that intrigues me more than any I have ever come across.

What did you do today? Who are you? In order to answer, you must use language. Even before they are voiced, our thoughts formulate as words. What is anything, outside of the words you use to describe it? Language creates our reality. Even a feeling has a word that we use to express it. Tyler just said, "It's like 1984. Take the word 'rebel' out of the dictionary, and no one knows how to anymore."

This past summer I took a course on social construction and one of our assignments was to explore an institution that we take for granted as a part of everyday life. We had to think about why it has become so accepted, and how the mainstream ideas regarding it developed in society. I was thinking a lot about career and motherhood at the time (and still am). My decision to become a stay at home mom introduced simultaneous anxiety about being away from the workforce. My mind still whirls round and round the issue, and I wonder why a part of me felt more productive earning $10 an hour tending other people's children than it does now, raising my own child without pay. Why does something we as a society have created over time, a "job," play into my feelings of validation? (This is another topic entirely, but what I meant to say is that "work" was on the brain, so I chose it as my topic).

Things I mentioned in the paper:

The best evidence of how the institution of work has been internalized and then legitimized in society, is how it is built into our language. According to Vivien Burr, "our experience of the world, and perhaps especially of our own internal states, is undifferentiated and intangible without the framework of language to give it structure and meaning." Common phrases within the institution of work include "making a living," "breadwinner," "9 to 5," and "sticking it to the man." Each one of these phrases is loaded with implications. To make a living implies that you are not living without some form of action on your part; your work defines your life. A breadwinner is celebrated, someone who accomplishes something as opposed to "losing" and cheating your family of its sustenance. Using the hour timeframe as a label for a job references the dichotomy of work vs. leisure, and the ways in which we divide our priorities within each day. Lastly, "sticking it to the man" refers to the grudge that many workers bare towards the instution itself; work is a source of pride, but also an issue of reluctance in subordination.
...

In today's society, one must have a profession; we objectively view it as a natural feature of life. Work is divided into categories, jobs are given names. We study and structure our lives to become a doctor, lawyer, clinical technician, writer, etc. Even if we are not technically employed, we still speak of homemaking, for example, as a job in itself, albeit without specified pay or hours. How you spend your day coincides with what your job is; thus, all human experience is related to work/profession/career. The institution of work is so well embedded into society that, on legal documents and goverment forms there is often a line on which to write your "occupation" or "employment."
...

The eight hour workday did not even come into effect until this past century; it is a modern day convention to separate work from leisure within the 12 hour frame. Thomas Edison, noticing this shift, said that, "If I had let myself believe that a work day was only eight hours I could not have accomplished most of my life's work."

Fainting Goats

Tyler and I were couching it tonight, watching the Discovery Channel after Linc went to bed. Apparently, if you give a goat a great enough shock, it will freeze in position and fall to the ground. No joke. They don't actually "faint," because they retain consciousness, but their muscles temporarily freeze and so... conk! The baby goats are especially adorable when they topple over.

The "goat" topic reminded Tyler of a National Geographic picture someone brought into his office:

I guess they also climb to new heights when desperate for food. Whad'ya know?!

Off to bed now... and tonight I might be counting something other than sheep! :-)