Not so perfect

We had a few days of warm, sunny weather, and I loved it. But now it's back to gray skies and drizzles. I used to love overcast days. The clouds looked like a big, soft blanket hugging the world. Plus, everything looks prettier, somehow greener and more vivid, when the skies are gray. But now that I have a child, it's different. I am much more restricted in bad weather. What would have been fine for me is now possibly too inclement; you don't want your baby getting sick! Plus I have to carry a lot more stuff with me now, so when it's raining or snowing I have a lot more to cover and try to keep dry. But it's okay, summer is fast approaching. Soon enough I will be complaining of the heat. I like a cool 60s, low 70s. Anything above that, and I'm sweating like a pig and whining about it.

This summer I won't have a bikini body. I don't know why that's such a big deal. There's really only one circumstance in which I'll be swim-suiting it up (at Bear Lake with Tyler's family), and it's not like that's an appropriate occasion for an all-baring yellow polka dot bikini anyway. I've always been incredibly self conscious about my figure, always thinking I'm fat, but somehow after pregnancy, when I was actually at my heaviest, I no longer feel it to such an extent. It is the greatest relief to be able to touch my toes, tie my shoes, do lunges, roll over in bed, and put my makeup on without squishing myself against the bathroom counter for heaven's sake! And so even though I'm still recovering from it all, with remnants of love handles and a jiggly belly, saddlebags and all of the other typical girl problem areas, I feel pretty darn good about myself. Never take your mobility for granted! If you can jump, twist and walk, you are doing pretty good in my opinion. :-) I am grateful for this new forgiving frame of mind. Always thinking about how not-perfect you are is just a waste of time and energy.

I've been confronted by another imperfection in the last few days which has required my attention and ultimate acceptance. One of my earlier entries was devoted to my husband, and in it I asserted myself to be the perfect woman for Tyler. Well, ladies and gents, it's just not so. I was so sure that my even temper was the perfect treatment for his uncontrollable one. I was so sure that my remaining calm during his storm would help us to keep the relationship in tact. I was so sure that I was serving as a good example. But I have finally realized that this is not the case. Someone who yells right back would be better for him. That way there would be a mutual blowup and an end. But as it is, his temper explodes and there are no repercussions, other than my building up fear and resentment; I might be soothing the situation for the moment by remaining calm, but in the long run I'm just representing myself as weak. I'm pasting a big, red sign on my forehead that says, "Please deposit frustrations here. Thank you! Come again!" In a way, how can you blame him? Who really respects someone who appears to have no respect for herself? And yet... I don't know how to handle myself any other way. I'm not an angry person. I like to talk things through. I left the Air Force ROTC because I didn't like yelling and being yelled at.

So to hell with perfect, I say. The priority is making sure my baby is healthy and safe and I am healthy and safe. God is holding me responsible for it, as he does to everyone who is taking care of one of his children. I've proven to myself time and time again that I'm not perfect. But you know, I'm so glad that I'm not required to be.